The Room with the Counsellor.

The Room with the Counsellor. 

For Charlotte - Thank You

The loudest sound in the small room is the silence that reigns after this latest bombshell. It is ironic how deafening the silence can be. Thoughts hurdle through he mind, stumbling, crashing and failing as they all jostle for prime position. The words she so desperately needs to say are caught in her throat. Her eyes averted, she struggles to breathe. She struggles to maintain any composure she had when she walked in. Out of the corner of her eyes, she sees the other person silently waiting. They watch and they listen. They listen to what she says and they listen to what she doesn't say. There is no judgement here. 

Her heart beats faster as she tries to master her thoughts. She strangles the cushion as the fear grips her with blood red hands. Her eyes dart around the room trying to find a distraction; something she can fix and control, but they avoid the other person. She cannot look. She cannot see the imagined disappointment. The imagine pity. Pain sears through her body. Her mind is wracked with guilt and shame. She fights against the tears that threaten a tsunami. The smaller details light up as beacons in her mind. She sneaks a glance at the other person; heart beating faster and faster. She sees the kind eyes. She sees the warm smile. She feels the peaceful aura emanating from the other person. For a second she is okay. This moment is okay. Everything is okay and everything can be okay. She is lost in the calm of the moment and she could stay here forever; safe. She smiles. The image shatters. The happiness is gone. Her eyes dart away. 

She is lost to the overwhelming pain, fear, sadness and anger once more. She hears the question, "Do you feel suicidal right now?" She panics. How do they know? She thinks about the question. She battles against the pain. She remembers the kind eyes and the warm smile. She is confused. "Yes", she whispers so quietly that it's almost impossible to hear the earth shattering word. 

She looks again at the kind eyes but she does not hide. She lets her fear show. She allows her eyes to say what she cannot voice. She is fully exposed. But there is no judgement. 

Bravely, she peels off the bandage to show her latest scars. She is ashamed of herself. She never wants them to think she has failed. As she glances up, she sees and realises that the kind eyes are still kind and the warm smile is still warm. There is no judgement. It is okay to be scared. It is okay to be scarred. There is a sanctuary here. She can be herself. She can cry. 

It is hard to expose your deepest fears and secrets to another person in a confined space but in these moments of pure love; where the kind eyes, the warm smile and the listening heart are just for you, it's easier to see that there is hope in the world. With help you can banish the fear and engage the hope. This is why she goes to counselling.